The “S Word” – Shining a Light on our Darkest Thoughts.
I remember it so clearly: a beautiful October morning, unseasonably warm for Toronto, still nearing the 30s (high 80s F), when I realized I could not exist in this world: the pain was too great, and I simply could not cope. I left work early, walking home in a fog, daydreaming of climbing to the top of the buildings I passed and jumping. Once home, I sat in my backyard and stared at my pool, thinking of my husband’s hand weights in our office. I could affix them to my ankles and jump in the deep end. A rough way to go, no doubt, but I knew I would lose consciousness in less than 2 minutes. Then I would be free.
Fortunately, for me, my husband, my kids, my family and friends, and coworkers, I did not die that day. I was lucky – I had supports in place to prevent this from happening, despite how close I came. I did not think at that time how devastating suicide is on everyone around us, and what a lasting impact it creates on the community. I am so grateful that I’m still here, and how much I’ve learned about the suicidality symptom of PMDD – an area we need to talk more and more about.
In our most recent monthly PMDD Group Session, we went dark: we shared our moments of suicide ideation. It’s a heavy topic, and even just discussing it can be triggering. We shared some facts:
- PMDD sufferers are 4 times more likely to experience suicide ideation than those without pre-menstrual disturbances and those with PMDD are seven times more likely to attempt suicide.
- A UK based study survey of more than 3600 menstruators found that 47% had self-harmed at least once during a PMDD crisis.
- If you have PMDD, you are at an increased risk of harming yourself during the worst of your luteal phase.
What is extremely troubling about suicide and PMDD is how quickly it can appear. While many people who plan suicide are chronically and clinically depressed, sitting in their darkest thoughts for months or even years, PMDDers can go from feeling good to suicidal very quickly.
Suicide ideation can show up differently for sufferers. For some, it may just be wishing we weren’t here, or pressing a button to simply disappear. For others, it can be daydreaming of running into traffic. For others – and this is where we need to be very careful – it can mean planning. Once ideation graduates to planning, it is very serious, and we need to ensure we have safeguards in place.
If you find yourself struggling:
- Use a PMDD Safety Plan – we highly recommend this version, which you can find from IAPMD. Please take a look, print, or keep a digital copy handy, so you will know what to do when you need it most.
- Admitting that you are feeling this way does not mean you are at risk of suicide. It’s the opposite.
- Seek help. There are a number of crisis tools that help, particularly when your therapist may not be available:
- Canada Suicide Prevention Service (CSPS), 1.833.456.4566, crisisservicescanada.ca
- Crisis Text Line Canada, Text CONNECT to 686868, crisistextline.ca
- ca – Suicide Crisis Helpline
- Remember your tools. DBT skills can help significantly during the worst of our PMDD symptoms. Things like Mindful Minutes, self kindness tips, ABC PLEASE, and STOP are all skills we discuss on our blog, and any other type of coping skill you may have seen or learned.
For me, talking about my suicidal thoughts as a symptom of my PMDD has helped considerably, helping to reduce the shame. Knowing that this is a typical and common symptom has taken the stigma out of my darkest luteal times. Remember, if you are feeling suicidal as a result of your PMDD symptoms, know you are not alone. Please reach out.
About the Author: Nadine Evans
Nadine was diagnosed with PMDD nearly a decade ago and subsequently left her corporate career to become a therapist. She and other therapists at Impart Therapy all focus on PMDD treatment and therapy, and her book, Mastering the Monthly Madness, provides a DBT-focused guide to help with PMDD.
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