When I worked in marketing, communication was key. While written communication was never an issue, verbal communication was extremely challenging during my luteal phase. There were times I’d sit in a boardroom, seething with anger, trying to hold it together, not even close to being able to convey my points successfully. I needed some DBT DEAR MAN skills badly to help with my PMDD, but alas, I didn’t even know they existed.
With PMDDers (those living with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) like myself, effective communication can be challenging when we’re navigating the emotional rollercoaster that is our luteal phase. That’s where DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) skills can really help – they provide tools and skills to manage intense emotions related to PMDD.
During our luteal phase (the time between ovulation and our period when our symptoms spike) we often struggle with feelings like irritability, sadness, or frustration, DEAR MAN offers a structured way to express your needs and manage conflicts in relationships.
Understanding DBT and DEAR MAN
Dialectical Behavior Therapy is a form of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) that emphasizes the importance of accepting reality while also working to change unhelpful behaviors. DBT was originally developed for people with borderline personality disorder (BPD), and it is our therapy of choice with PMDD. DBT has four pillars: mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness – all things that are imperative when living with PMDD.
DEAR MAN (a DBT acronym) helps us assertively express ourselves, especially in difficult or emotionally charged situations – like, ahem, our luteal phase. The purpose of DEAR MAN is to be clear, concise, and communicate effectively what we mean and/or need.
- D – Describe: Start by describing the situation without judgment. Be specific and stick to the facts.
- Example: “I am noticing we are fighting lately.”
- E – Express: Share how you feel about the situation.
- Example: “I feel sad and frustrated when we fight like this.”
- A – Assert: Clearly state what you need or want.
- Example: “I know I am in my luteal phase, and during this time, I don’t want us to fight.”
- R – Reinforce: Explain the positive outcome that will happen if your need is met.
- Example: “I realize I am being less rational during this time, and if we pause fighting or arguing, I will feel better.”
- M – Mindful: Stay focused and stay on track, avoiding distractions. It is difficult to not be consumed with your emotions during this time, but try to keep yourself focused and calm.
- Example: “I understand this is difficult us, but it’s important that create a plan and stick with it.”
- A – Appear Confident: Use a calm, confident tone and body language to convey your message.
- Example: Maintain eye contact, keep your body relaxed, stand tall.
- N – Negotiate: Be willing to find a middle ground or compromise if needed. This will be one of the more important tactics, so try to work together.
- Example: “Maybe we can set some boundaries, particularly during my luteal phase. I get really stressed out about money, so let’s make sure we don’t argue about this during my luteal phase.”
About Payton Newby
Payton Newby holds her Masters degree in Counselling Psychology from Yorkville University, and is focused on individual and group therapy for children, teens, young adults and adults. Her therapy approach includes a blend of client-led, CBT, DBT, and solution-focused therapy. Payton has facilitated a number of group programs, mainly helping to host Impart’s monthly PMDD Group Zoom Program.
As a teen, Payton was diagnosed with ADHD, and has found a number of approaches to help, including mindfulness, exercise, coaching/skill building, and talk therapy. If you’d like to work with her, you can book time with Payton here.