I don’t know if I am having a mid-life crisis or if it’s a long overdue rebellion against fear, but I do know that in recent years I have been doing things that used to terrify me.
First, I took up skateboarding. I broke my arm falling downstairs in high school and have been afraid of heights and falling ever since. You have to be willing to fall to improve at skateboarding.
My nine-year old daughter and I went to CJ’s skatepark in Mississauga for her last PD day, with her friend. They were egging each other on to slide down the almost 90 degree angled thirteen-foot ramp on their bums. As I sat on the edge videotaping them, my daughter said, “Come on mom, join us!”
“No way, I ‘m afraid of heights.”
“Mom, you’re a therapist! Get over your fears. You can do it!”
“I don’t think so.”
“ What would you tell your clients” She challenged.
Honestly, I’m not going to tell anyone to do something they are not ready to do, but if they wanted to, I would suggest an exercise where they write down what their fear is and ask if it’s likely to come true. In this case, I knew that nothing bad would happen, so I sat on the edge, took some deep breaths and had so much fun after the first try that I slid down that ramp many more times!
The same daughter insisted I join the parent choir of Young Voices Toronto last year. I was afraid of singing in public, so I took some vocal lessons, joined the choir and realized that strong voices lift weaker ones, not that the other way around. I loved it so much, I joined again this year-without the anxiety.
In September, I took an adult beginner tap-dancing class. There were eleven of us for the first term. By the second term, there were six and on top of that, there was a recital, which only five of us could make. Did I tell you I have stage fright?
I was so panicked about the recital, that I woke up every few hours visually practicing the routine. I imagined myself on stage, faltering and accepting that it would be fine to falter because I am doing this for fun, and odds are nobody would notice anyway. Then I remembered my high school music class. I had a panic attack before a playing test. Everything went black and I thought I was dying. For the next month, when I visualized myself playing for each consecutive test, I imagined playing through the anxiety, with my hands shaking as I pressed the notes on my saxophone. I always imagined myself anxious and of course, when it came time for each test, I was so anxious I had an enormous tremor.
The next month, I visualized myself playing happily for each test, with no anxiety and while I was nervous at first, by the time I had my last playing test, I was able to enjoy playing the pieces, even if I was being evaluated.
I ran through my tap routine the day of the recital and each time, I got a little more confident. Then, I imagined myself in front of an audience enjoying myself.
My biggest fear when it comes to being on stage is suddenly, desperately having to go to the bathroom so the day of the recital, I made sure I ate foods that would not upset my stomach because sometimes anxiety alone is enough to disturb it, but other times I suspect it is food related.
My class had our dress rehearsal a couple of hours before our performance and it was a disaster. Our timing was way off. We went too fast, which does not look good for a blues tap number.
We practiced in the halls together until showtime. “Too late now,” I thought, “Enjoy it anyway. This is the adult dance class showcase, and everyone knows how scary this is, so they will be supportive!” I told myself. I closed my eyes before going on stage, took a deep breath, and imagined I was going through the routine with a big grin. Showtime! We went on stage. I started off facing the wrong direction and noticed my classmates had all turned around already. I thought, “Well, there’s usually one thing that goes wrong and if this is it, I’ve gotten it over with and we haven’t actually started yet!” We turned to face the audience. I saw my teacher smiling at me, and I looked at the person beside me grinning. The thought went through my head that we were nailing it! The routine was in my muscle memory. I could do this in my sleep! Suddenly, I wanted people to watch me. Then it was over. The five of us hugged after, all feeling equally relieved and eager to do it again next year.
One day after that, I had my vocal recital. Singing in public was never on my bucket list. I don’t even sing in the car or the shower. I took vocal lessons all year and I chose Blowing in the Wind, by Bob Dylan, which is a safe bet given that he mumbles and doesn’t have the widest vocal range. I gave a little speech about overcoming my fear of singing in public, because despite all my other fears, I am comfortable public speaking. My encouraging and calm teacher, Angie Hilts told me that to get comfortable on stage, it’s a good idea to sing the first note. We did it together, with the audience. I closed my eyes after, took a few deep breaths and plunged into my song. I felt a bit shaky at first, but more confident towards the ending. One thing I know for sure about those 10 trial by fire week and a half of getting over stage fright is that visualizing success and deciding to have fun are key. I also know that I did it and next time, (and there will be a next time), it will be easier.