The purpose of this week’s session was to understand how criticizing and being hard on yourself can impact anxiety, and to learn new ways to talk to yourself and to identify and then use your personal values.
How Self-Criticism Fuels Anxiety
Anxiety can be worry about something that could happen outside of ourselves, but the voice of anxiety can also be heard as self-criticism:
- I should be doing it better.
- I’m not good enough.
- I keep messing everything up.
That self-critic compares us to others, focuses on mistakes, sets unrealistic expectations, believes we should be doing more, and is much harder on you than you would be on anyone else. If you are uncertain of your self-critic, you can ask yourself: Would I talk to someone I care about the way I talk to myself? In the discussion that followed, we talked about how self-criticism makes it much harder to motivate ourselves, and yet this is often how we try to do it.
Self-Compassion
Given that self-criticism is not motivating, there must be a better way. And there is… it’s self-compassion. Self-compassion sounds like, “I did the best I could with what I had,” where the self-critic says, “I should have done better.” Self-compassion is not about letting yourself off the hook. It is about responding to yourself with understanding instead of punishment.
Going more in depth, self-compassion means treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you might offer someone you care about. It has three parts: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. The mindfulness piece often comes first, noticing what you are experiencing without judging or exaggerating it. That is followed by common humanity, where we remember that struggle, mistakes, and uncertainty are all part of being human. Then we can wrap ourselves in self-kindness and respond to ourselves with understanding rather than harshness. If you cannot think of something kind to say to yourself, try asking, “What would I say to a friend going through this?” and then say that to yourself.
Notice the difference between “I cannot handle this” and “This feels overwhelming, but I can focus on what I need right now.” It’s a big difference, and a more balanced and compassionate response.
Values
During times of transition, it is easy to focus on questions like “What should I do? What will make me successful?” But do those answers really lead you to what matters to you? Instead, ask yourself exactly that: “What matters to me?” This question can help us find our values, the qualities and principles that we want to bring into our everyday life. Examples of values might be acceptance, growth, creativity, kindness, learning, or community.
Values are different than goals, though. Goals are an external objective that we want to achieve, where values are how you want to live while pursuing those goals. One might have a goal of getting a job, but the value underlying that goal is independence, and the way we want to work toward that goal might be creativity. It’s important to know the difference, because goals can come and go, but values stick with us and guide us through times of change.
One way to help you find your values is to ask yourself, “If you were not worried about what other people expected from you, what would matter most to you?” Choose three to five values that feel most important right now, and then ask yourself:
- Am I making space for these values in my life?
- Is anxiety getting in the way?
- What is one small action I could take toward one of these values?
Values can give us courage in the face of anxiety. Anxiety loves certainty. It wants to stay comfortable. Our values, on the other hand, might say, “This matters to me,” and help you move through the anxiety toward the life you want. Courage does not mean feeling no anxiety. It can mean moving toward what matters while anxiety is still there.
Building Your Transition Toolkit
Building a transition toolkit requires building self-compassion and identifying values. One activity you can do to build your toolkit is to answer these five questions:
- My inner critic says…
- A more compassionate response could be…
- Three values that matter to me are…
- One strength I have used during a difficult transition is…
- One small action I can take this week that reflects my values is…
This Week’s Practice
This week’s practice homework is to notice when you are being hard on yourself. Has there been a moment when you experienced more of the self-critic than the self-compassion? Write down what happened, what your inner critic said, how you were feeling, what you would say to a friend in your situation, and what one action you can take to reflect your values in that situation. Bonus points if you notice one strength you use during the week!
About Deeya Sumra
Deeya Sumra, MACP, RP (Qualifying), is a psychotherapist at Impart Therapy who works with teens and adults navigating anxiety and life transitions. She offers virtual therapy across Ontario. To learn more about working with Deeya, book a free meet and greet with Deeya.