Welcome to the recap of our first week of the Reconnect and Restore Group!
This week our host taught us all about our nervous system. Before she jumped into teaching,
she helped us reflect on when we last felt connected to ourselves:
- What were you doing the last time that happened?
- How did your body feel?
- What made that moment meaningful?
How do we lose connection with ourselves in the first place? Our host had lots of thoughts.
Chronic stress, constant demands, overwhelm, living in survival mode, and consistently unmet
needs were a few reasons she pointed out we may not be regulated. In real life, that starts off
looking like being more irritable than usual, forgetting simple things, not reaching out to friends,
no longer enjoying your hobbies, struggling to identify what you’re feeling, and just going
through the motions of life. Eventually though, those initial symptoms can lead to bigger issues
where we don’t feel like ourselves anymore. But often, what has changed is not who you are – it
is the state your nervous system has been operating from.
Our nervous system may be hidden in our body, but it shapes our human experience. At every
moment, your nervous system is working quietly in the background – scanning your
environment, your relationships, and your inner world. It influences how safe or threatened we
feel, our emotional responses, our ability to connect with others, our energy levels and capacity,
and our ability to think clearly, reflect, and make choices. It’s very important to note, however,
that the nervous system does not just respond to what is happening – it also responds to what it
perceives is happening.
Before we consciously think, analyze, or make meaning of a situation, our nervous system is
constantly gathering information from the world around us. It is continuously asking: “Is this
safe?” and taking cues from the environment, your relationships, facial expressions, past
experiences, and tone of voice of those around you. Your neuroception is the nervous system
scanning for cues of safety and danger before your conscious is even aware. It happens
automatically and explains why we can sometimes feel uneasy without being able to identify a
clear reason or experience a sense of calm when we are with someone we trust. Your nervous
system is always reading the room even when you are not.
And our thoughts, emotions, body sensations, behaviours, and relationships are not separate –
they are in constant, dynamic conversation with one another. Stress shows up in our body,
mind, and behaviour, sometimes before conscious awareness. In our body, stress can look like
muscle tension, fatigue, heaviness, breathing changes, and chest tightness. Our mind may have
racing thoughts, worry, rumination, difficulty concentrating, and feelings of overwhelm. With our
behaviour, we may avoid, overwork, withdraw, or change how we eat or sleep.
To protect us, our body has protective responses that are adaptive attempts to keep us safe.
- Fight – Looks like anger, irritability, or maybe an urge to argue or push back. Our
nervous system is mobilizing energy to confront a perceived threat. - Flight – May present as anxiety, restlessness, urge to escape or avoid. Our nervous
system is directing energy toward getting away from what feels unsafe. - Freeze – Could look like shutdown, numbness, or feeling stuck or paralyzed. The
nervous system is conserving energy when escape seems impossible. - Fawn – May look like people-pleasing, over-apologizing, and loss of boundaries. The
connection to others is a strategy to help restore a sense of safety.
These protective responses are prioritizing our survival when the system detects danger. The
body prioritizes immediate safety over connection, clarity, or calm. It is a reactive and automatic
mechanism with a narrow focus that usually disconnects us from others. There is, however,
another way of being. It’s called regulation. It’s the ability to stay connected to ourselves, our
emotions, and our value while navigating stress, discomfort, or uncertainty. It means staying
present even as you move through difficulty, being responsive rather than reactive, being
grounded, and having the capacity to pause and choose your behaviour.
When we are regulated, we can be said to be in the window of tolerance. It’s a space where the
nervous system has enough capacity to stay connected, make intentional choices, and move
toward what matters to us. Hyperarousal or too much activation takes us above and outside that
window and creates anxiety, irritability, racing thoughts, and feeling overwhelmed. Hypoarousal
has the opposite effect and takes us below the window of tolerance and looks like shutdown,
numbness, disconnection, and exhaustion.
Obviously, being regulated is important. But before we can regulate our nervous system, we first
need to become aware of what is happening internally – with curiosity and not judgment. We
cannot regulate what we have not learned to notice. If you are not connected to your body, ask
yourself these four questions: - What am I experiencing right now?
- What emotions are present?
- Where do I notice this in my body?
- What might my nervous system be communicating?
As our host’s favourite phrase goes, we have to name it to tame it. This is mindfulness.
Mindfulness is not about achieving a blank mind or silencing your thoughts in lengthy
mediations. It is about observing the present moment – your thoughts, emotions, and
sensations – again with curiosity and without judgment. When we practice mindfulness, we learn
to notice what is happening inside us without immediately reacting or judging. We become the
observer, not the thought.
The easiest way to be mindful is to observe and describe. But watch your language. Instead of
saying…
I am anxious.
I am depressed.
I am overwhelmed.
Try the mindful shift of saying…
I notice anxiety showing up.
I notice feelings of sadness.
I notice my body feels heavy right now.
The first statements fuse us with our emotions becoming our identity – and that can feel
impossible to change. Observing as in the second statements creates distance and creates
clarity to then choose.
So, pay attention to your body and what it is communicating to you. Notice what you feel
physically – your sensations. Notice where you hold stress in your body. Any tension? Watch
your breathing. It reflects your nervous system state in real time. How is your energy? Your
energy level signals your current regulation state.
In integrating all of this knowledge, our host asked three questions that you can use to reflect.
- What did I learn about myself today?
- What signals have I been ignoring?
- What helps me feel safe?