My ADHD client is navigating some complex work personalities, an ongoing issue since we began seeing each other more than a year ago. Her neurodivergent brain makes interpreting conversations and situations difficult, particularly when her people-pleasing desires kick in, and she ends up feeling exhausted after most encounters. In our last session though, she had some good news to offer: “I’ve started using Vent, Validate, or Fix as a philosophy, and it’s really helping” she shared.
Admittedly, I hadn’t heard of the VVF approach before, and when I asked her where she had come across it, she couldn’t recall. She may have invented it (and a quick Google search yielded nothing on this) and has given me enthusiastic permission to pass this chestnut along to the rest of us neurodivergent folks navigating complex, layered, and exhausting environments.
Many autistic, ADHD, AuDHD, and otherwise neurodivergent individuals often replay conversations long after they occur, wondering:
- Did I say too much?
- Was that rude?
- Did they misunderstand me?
- Should I have handled that differently?
A useful tip is the VVF framework, outlining for my client (and the rest of us) when someone is “Venting,” requiring “Validation” or needing something to be “Fixed.”
The VVF Framework
1. Venting: Emotional Decompression
Venting is about release, not resolution. Sometimes, those in our life just need to talk (or vent), and they need us to listen, rather than act. It can be difficult to know when someone simply needs to vent, and it can be helpful to ask. Often a “do you just need me to listen right now?” is a great tip for those closest to us.
2. Validation: Reducing Shame and Isolation
Validation is not agreement. It is acknowledging that someone’s internal experience makes sense. Simply stating something like “I can understand that it’s hard,” or “that makes sense you feel that way,” can go a long way in making someone feel heard.
3. Fixing: Strategy, Skill, or Reframe
Almost never in our lives do those around us want us to “fix” something. Only after venting and validation should “fixing” be approached, and gently asking someone if they’d want some advice to help before offering is ideal.
“Would you like help troubleshooting this?” or “Can I offer some advice here?”
Again, fixing is the last resort we go to, as it’s the least common type of help those around us require (unless, of course, it’s an obvious case of someone needing help – think opening a door for them or handing them something).
Next time you find yourself confused about what’s needed in a conversation, remember the VVF framework.
About Impart Therapy and Nadine Evans
Nadine Evans is a Registered Psychotherapist and Practice Owner of Impart Therapy, a virtual practice dedicated to providing accessible psychotherapy services, including support for PMDD, ADHD, anxiety, depression, grief, stress, and life transitions.