A parent’s guide to understanding self-harm — and what actually helps.
Parents of teens may begin to notice the small things at first: a scar, a pack of razor blades, a journal entry that stopped them cold. Soon, the parent realizes there’s something much deeper going on. Almost every one of them asks the same question: Did I miss something? Is this my fault? What do I even say to them?
I want to start by telling you what I tell them: finding out your teen is hurting themselves is frightening, and your fear does not mean you failed them. It means you love them. What you do next is what matters most, and that part is very much within your reach.
What is self-harm
Self-harm (most often cutting, scratching, burning, or hitting oneself) is rarely about wanting to die. For most teens, it’s a coping strategy. It’s a way of managing an emotional state that feels unbearable and has nowhere else to go: overwhelming anxiety, numbness, shame, anger they don’t feel allowed to express, or a sense of being trapped inside their own head.
That distinction matters clinically, but I also want you to hear it as a parent: this is usually your teen’s attempt, however alarming, however much you wish they’d chosen anything else, to survive a feeling, not to end their life. That said, self-harm and suicidal thoughts can and do coexist, so it should always be taken seriously and never dismissed as “just a phase” or “attention-seeking.” It’s neither. It’s a signal that your teen doesn’t yet have the tools to tolerate what they’re feeling, and they need help building them.
Why fall and the school year can make it worse
The shift from summer’s looser structure into the pressure and social intensity of a new school year is hard on a lot of teens’ nervous systems. Less daylight, more academic and social demand, and less unstructured downtime can all raise a teen’s baseline stress right when they have fewer outlets for it. If you’re noticing a change now, you’re not imagining it, and you’re not alone.
Warning signs worth paying attention to:
- No single sign confirms anything, but a pattern is worth a conversation:
- Unexplained cuts, scratches, burns, or bruises, especially in clusters or in places usually covered by clothing (wrists, thighs, upper arms)
- Wearing long sleeves or pants persistently, even in warm weather
- Withdrawing from friends, family, or activities they used to enjoy
- Sudden drops in mood, or mood that seems disconnected from what’s happening around them
- Keeping sharp objects (razors, needles, glass) in unusual places
- Spending a lot of time alone, especially in the bathroom or bedroom with the door locked
- Statements that sound like hopelessness or self-loathing, even said casually or “as a joke”
What to say and what to avoid
The instinct to react strongly is human. It’s also usually the opposite of what helps in the moment.
Try to avoid panic, anger, ultimatums, or forcing an explanation on the spot. Comments like “Why would you do this to yourself?” or “You have nothing to be upset about” — even said out of fear and love — tend to teach a teen to hide the behavior better rather than to stop it.
Instead, try something closer to: “I noticed something that worried me, and I want you to know I’m not upset with you — I want to understand what’s going on and help.” Then let them talk, or not talk, without pushing. You don’t need the full story in that first conversation. You need them to know the door is open and that coming to you didn’t just make everything worse.
It’s also worth saying plainly: asking a teen directly whether they’ve thought about suicide does not plant the idea or make it more likely. It gives them permission to tell you the truth. If you’re worried, ask directly and calmly.
When to bring in professional support
Self-harm is a clinical issue, not just a parenting one, and it responds well to treatment — this is genuinely one of the more treatable presentations we see. I’d encourage you to reach out to a therapist who works with adolescents (many of us specialize specifically in self-harm and emotion regulation) if:
- The self-harm is ongoing or increasing in frequency or severity
- Your teen mentions wanting to die, or that others would be better off without them
- You feel out of your depth, scared, or unsure what to do next — that alone is reason enough
- Seeking help isn’t an admission that things are worse than you thought. It’s the same instinct that had you notice something was wrong in the first place, followed through.
The part I most want you to hold onto
Your teen’s self-harm is not a verdict on your parenting, and it’s not permanent. With the right support — often a combination of therapy (Dialectical Behavior Therapy has strong evidence here), a stronger set of coping tools, and a parent who stays calm, curious, and present — teens move through this. I’ve watched it happen many times. Your steadiness now, even if it doesn’t feel like much, is doing more than you know.
If you need support right now
In Canada:
- 9-8-8: Suicide Crisis Helpline — call or text 9-8-8, available 24/7
- Kids Help Phone — call 1-800-668-6868, or text CONNECT to 686868, available 24/7 for ages 5–29
If your teen is in immediate danger, call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.
This post is intended for general education and does not replace individualized clinical care. If you’re concerned about your teen, please reach out to a mental health professional.
About Alyssa Nohar
Alyssa Nohar is a registered psychotherapist with Impart Theray, focusing on working with teens and adults who are struggling. She is focused in ADHD, self-harm, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), anxiety, depression, and PMDD. Please visit here to learn more about Alyssa. You can also meet Alyssa first to see whether she’s the right fit — book a free meet and greet with Alyssa.