No doubt about it, PMDD is tough. If you have, or love someone with PMDD, you are well versed in the emotional roller coaster that often happens each month during one’s luteal phase (the time between ovulation and period). Our closest relationships suffer the most, and often, it’s the partner who takes the brunt of our emotional minefields, resulting in misunderstandings, guilt, frustration, and anger. That’s where DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) skills help, providing a framework to navigate tough moments. A great tool for communication for both PMDDers and PMDD partners is GIVE. Part of DBT’s Interpersonal Effectiveness module, GIVE can help even when our emotions are heightened during the worst of our luteal phases.
What Is GIVE?
GIVE is an acronym that reminds us how to communicate to help reduce conflict:
- Gentle: Be kind and respectful in tone and body language.
- Interested: Show genuine interest in the other person’s thoughts and feelings.
- Validate: Acknowledge the other person’s perspective, even if you don’t agree with it.
- Easy manner: Try to keep a relaxed tone, use humor if it feels natural, and avoid getting too intense.
Using GIVE During PMDD, Realistically
During our luteal phase, when faced with conflicts, our windows close easily. It can be tough to remember these skills, and even feel Gentle and Interested. We practice these skills during the “good” parts of the month (generally our follicular phases), making them easier to access when our emotions take over.
For Partners: this can be an incredible tool for you to help defuse and be heard. You may feel like you are tiptoeing through a minefield here, and this tool will help you understand your partners and minimize the damage that can often result from a difficult luteal phase.
- Gentle: Lower the emotional temperature
When you’re feeling raw or reactive, gentleness might feel unnatural. But being gentle doesn’t mean being fake—it means avoiding attacks, sarcasm, or aggressive gestures. This might look like pausing before speaking or writing a message instead of talking face-to-face.
PMDD Partner Tip: Notice how the temperature has risen and respond in a calm manner. For you, you may pause and take a breath before reacting. Sometimes even a gentle look can help considerably.
- Interested: Stay open
This is tough. We’re heightened, our windows are closed or closing, and we often have nothing in us to show interest. It’s okay. Make space if you can to hear the other person.
PMDD Partner Tip: Practice reflective listening. Truly focus on what you hear from your partner. Rephrase using tips like “What I’m hearing is…” or “it sounds like…” and then restate it. This helps your partner feel heard, and provides you the skills to show them you’re there for them.
- Validate, validate, validate
This is arguably the most important step in any communication and goes even further during PMDD episodes. Validation is not agreeing with someone, it is acknowledging that they feel that way. When a PMDDer feels invalidated or dismissed, it heightens our responses. This is often where we go from zero to 100 in terms of our emotional regulation: when we are unheard, dismissed, or ignored. For PMDDers, this can be tough to do, but validating your partner’s feelings can help anchor the conversation.
PMDD Partner Tip: Use this tool! It will become the most valuable skill in your communication toolbox. Try phrases like, “I get why you’d feel that way,” or “That makes sense to me.” This does not mean that you are “weakening” your point of view in any way, it’s simply ensuring that your partner understands, and you see what they are saying.
- Easy manner: Try lightening the mood
A light, gentle touch is helpful here, and where you can try adding a little bit of humour to see if it helps. I like to try a joke, and if it doesn’t work, I’ll say “Too soon?” which usually helps. Even a smile can help lighten an extremely tense situation.
PMDD Partner Tip: tread lightly here – this will depend on the dynamic between you and your partner.
With GIVE, there is often some resistance to using it, particularly in the validation stage where a PMDDer or a partner doesn’t want to yield. I promise you, using this skill helps considerably, taking down the temperature during a time when conflicts can turn into huge fights. Our advice? Try it!
About the Author: Nadine Evans
Nadine was diagnosed with PMDD nearly a decade ago and subsequently left her corporate career to become a therapist. She and other therapists at Impart Therapy all focus on PMDD treatment and therapy, and her book, Mastering the Monthly Madness, provides a DBT-focused guide to help with PMDD.
