How learning your Love Language can improve your mental health

Sundeep and her husband are married for eight years, with a four-year-old daughter. She initiated therapy because of her overwhelming anxiety, which was keeping her up at night. Things at home weren’t great, and after a few sessions, she started talking about how angry she was at her husband. “He’s always working,” she shared. “He helps around the house here and there, and I don’t mind doing most of the housework, as he works longer hours than me. But he never pays any attention to me.” 

Gary Chapman, creator of the concept of the “5 Love Languages,” a book that launched an entire cultural concept, would know right away Sundeep’s love language: Quality Time. The five love languages are quality time, acts of service, gift giving, words of affirmation, and physical touch, a revolutionary concept that can be applied to our partners, our parents, children, friends, and well, any relationship at all. Understanding our own love language gives us a better picture of exactly who we are and what we need. 

I’ve noticed something in my practice: the concept of our love language is so pervasive that only a handful of my clients haven’t heard the phrase. Many already know their love language, and most can note the love languages of their partners. This is a very, very good thing. 

Sundeep’s husband, for example, appreciated acts of service. He was very happy with her cooking and taking care of the home and their daughter, giving him the space and time to work longer hours at his consulting business. While his cup was full, hers was not, adding to her anxiety and overall sense of loneliness. Once she understood what she needed from her spouse, she became better able to ask for it, and her relationship improved. And while this did not eliminate her anxiety completely, it was a big step in Sundeep understanding herself and getting what she needed from her marriage. 

I love a good quiz, and Chapman’s love language online quiz is quick and easy to complete. As I say to my clients when I send them a quiz link, these are not diagnostic or deeply scientific (psychotherapists do not diagnose mental ailments; we focus on treatment), they give us an understanding of who we are. When our needs are not being met, often these needs manifest as things like anxiety, anger, or depression. Sending the link to your partner is extremely helpful (if they are willing to take it, of course!) and allows my clients to also learn what their partners need – very often neither party is getting what they need. 

As Chapman notes, when our partners act in a way that contradicts our love language it can be especially cutting. A spouse whose love language is words of affirmation will take criticism from their partner particularly hard, while another who enjoys acts of service will be especially heightened when seeing unwashed dishes that their partner promised to do the night before. Knowing is the first step, and making small changes is the second. While this is a tool used quite a lot in couples therapy, I encourage all clients who are in any type of relationship to take it as well. 

Here’s the link to the quiz: The Love Language™ Quiz (5lovelanguages.com)

About Impart Therapy
Impart Therapy is an Ontario-based virtual based psychotherapy practice specializing in providing care for clients (ages 14 +) who are facing anxiety, depression, ADHD, stress, and anger, as well as women with menstrual issues such as PMDD, severe PMS, and PME, menopause. For more details and to book a complimentary meet and greet, please visit www.imparttherapy.com – Therapy, Counselling