Conflict in a relationship is natural and at times quite tricky, but when one or both partners have ADHD, the challenges feel intensified. Forgotten appointments, missed events, interrupting during conversations, or simply not paying attention when one partner is trying to communicate. There’s also the overstimulation and emotional outbursts that go along with our ADHD – all of which can cause hurt and anger in our relationships.
While mounting frustration is one of the most common things I hear from my ADHD couples, there is hope – a mindset shift that can reduce conflict and bring you closer together: Assume Good Intentions.
When ADHD is in the mix, it’s easy for misunderstandings to spiral, particularly when the other partner is bringing the baggage of disappointment into the discussion. A forgotten chore might feel like laziness. Interrupting might seem like rudeness or a lack of concern about the other person’s point of view. A late arrival may be perceived as a sign of disrespect. Very often, these are not your partner being mean or disregarding your feelings, they are symptoms of ADHD.
ADHD is a brain “style” characterized by inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity, resulting in emotional regulation, time management, and executive functioning challenges. Unfortunately, the partner of an ADHD person experiences many of these symptoms first-hand. It’s important to note in our relationships that when we’re disappointed by how our ADHD partner is acting, it is most often a symptom of their ADHD.
Assuming the best in your partner allows you to shift your mindset, taking the anger and blame away from them. It may look like this:
Instead of: “You forgot again. You don’t value me.”
Say: “I’m disappointed, but I know your memory can be tricky. Is there a way we can help you remember?”
Instead of: “Stop interrupting me! You never listen to me.”
Say: “I hear you and know you want to say something, but I’d really like to finish my thought before you jump in here.”
What It Looks Like in Practice
Let’s say your partner forgot your dinner plans—again.
When both partners understand the role ADHD plays, it becomes easier to take things less personally and work as a team. Collaboration is key here.
If you’re the partner with ADHD, assuming good intentions from your non-ADHD partner is just as powerful. When they remind you about something, it’s not nagging—it’s caring. When they seem frustrated, it’s probably because they feel unheard, not because they’re trying to control you. It is a good time to discuss your challenges with ADHD (the need to speak even though they are speaking impulsively, or your difficulty with arriving at a place on time), so they can begin to understand and feel a part of the process.
Most conflict in relationships is a result of both a lack of understanding and a communication breakdown, but not a lack of love. By assuming you and your partner have good intentions (and are not trying to hurt one another), you can begin to build trust, empathy, and understanding.
About Author Danielle Rabbat, Psychotherapist
Danielle Rabbat, MACP, RP (Qualifying) is a compassionate therapist specializing in couples and individual counselling. With over 20 years of experience as a business owner and photographer, 
she offers a wealth of practical experience to her client sessions. She works with ADHD, anxiety, grief, depression, stress, life transitions, and couples facing conflict, and uses a variety of techniques including CBT. To book a meet and greet with Danielle, please click here.
