They say opposites attract, and sometimes that means neurotypical (NT) and neurodivergent people (ND) entering relationships together, like we often see with ADHD relationships.
A couple I have counseled named John and Mary (*names and details have been changed), struggled because John is NT and Mary has ADHD. When they initially came to me, they said they struggled with communication issues. John reported that Mary often zoned out of conversations, and she stated that he would get frustrated with her when she did that, which made her feel badly about herself because she did not do it intentionally.
In relationships where one person is autistic and the other is neurotypical (NT), Smith et al. (2021) found that when the ND person was able to explicitly explain what they needed from their partner as well as the support they needed, their partner was able to meet their needs. In couples where one person has ADHD and the other is NT the NT person may feel like they are parenting another child.
John also felt very frustrated with Mary because he had to take on more household chores than her, as she struggled with paperwork, which included filling out forms for the kids, and other administrative tasks. If he left these tasks up to Mary, they would not get done. John resented her for his extra responsibilities, especially because he felt he already had more responsibility in his job as an engineer than she did in hers as a self-employed artist. The more John nagged Mary, the more she disengaged, as she felt he was always upset with her.
Mary also had rejection sensitivity dysphoria, which is common in those with ADHD and means that even when John gives her constructive criticism, she feels like he no longer loves her. This means that when he asks her if she remembered to feed the dog, she hears “You’re so irresponsible you can’t even remember to keep your pet alive,” and often reacts angrily to such a reminder, leaving John feeling hurt over offering what he thought was a helpful nudge.
Mary felt John did not understand that the things that came easily to him, like finding places to put objects, felt impossible to her.
We worked on having John and Mary communicate with each other in a direct, non-confrontational, non-defensive way, took note of their main issues so we could address them in therapy, and did exercises to learn how the other one thinks and feels so they could honour their differences.
If you are in a relationship where one of you is neurotypical and the other is neurodiverse, and you are seeking a neurodiversity-affirming therapist, I would love to work with you to explore the way neurological differences may be impacting your relationship.
About Danielle Rabbat
Danielle is a registered psychotherapist (Qualifying), offering virtual care to clients all over Ontario. She focuses in ADHD and related issues, and offers couples counselling, particularly to neurodivergent/neurotypical couples (such as ADHD/non-ADHD couples). To learn more about Danielle, please visit her page here, and to book a 15 minute free meet and greet, please click here.
Source: Smith, R., Netto, J., Gribble, N. C., & Falkmer, M. (2021). “At the End of the Day, It’s Love”: An Exploration of Relationships in Neurodiverse Couples. Journal of Autism & Developmental Disorders, 51(9), 3311–3321. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-020-04790-z
