When we think about the ways that ADHD impacts our lives, we often overlook one of the most crucial
elements: our relationships. ADHDers are often stuck between a rock and a hard place, forced to consider
how their executive dysfunction and emotional dysregulation impact their own mental health and daily
lives while also having to deal with the strain that their symptoms can put on their relationships.
Neurotypical brains and ADHD brains are wired differently, and while these differences are not bad or
immoral in any way, they can still result in a variety of misunderstandings, arguments, and hurt feelings if
we as ADHDers do not effectively communicate our needs, come to compromises, and advocate for
ourselves. For the sixth week of our ADHD group program, we dove into how ADHD impacts our
relationships and what we can do to manage it.
How ADHD Shows Up In Relationships
Common Executive Functioning Challenges
Difficulty planning, organizing, and prioritizing can make it difficult to keep track of what needs to be done and when → In our relationships, this can look like forgetting to follow up with friends or struggling to prioritize quality time, often leading to the other person feeling forgotten or like a second choice.
Due to working memory deficits, ADHDers often find that they can’t hold on to or process information, regardless of how important it may be → In our relationships, this can look like forgetting important conversations, dates, or commitments, making the other person believe we are not as present or thoughtful in the relationship as they are.
Task initiation challenges, or task paralysis, involve struggling to start mundane or low-stimulation tasks like chores or household duties → In our relationships, this can cause strain between us and those we live with, and can give the impression that we are simply being unhelpful or expecting them to get these things done on their own.
Time blindness is when we have difficulty perceiving time or lose track of it entirely → In our relationships, this can look like running late to dates, hang-outs, or events, forgetting about our social commitments entirely, or losing track of the day and missing out on quality time, again leading the other person to feel that they are not a priority.
Common Emotion Regulation Challenges
A lack of cognitive appraisal means that ADHDers skip the thinking stage and jump right to reacting → In our relationships, we may have difficulty communicating our feelings or resolving conflicts due to our emotions jumping from 0 to 100.
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is intense emotional discomfort caused by perceived rejection → In our relationships, we may have difficulty accepting criticism or feedback, constantly look for signs that the other person is upset with us, and panic or run at the first sign of conflict/rejection.
Hyperfocus cycling involves becoming deeply absorbed in an interest, task, or hobby and then burning out once our dopamine is depleted → in our relationships, we can go through a similar cycle of intense engagement, quality time, or communication, followed by withdrawal and isolation when we become burnt out.
The Misunderstanding Gap
In their relationships, ADHDers often find themselves experiencing a disconnect between their intention and their impact. We want to show up for the people we care about, we want to remember birthdays and
anniversaries, and we want to be good listeners, but unfortunately, our actions may not always reflect that. Though we try our hardest and have the best intentions, our friends, partners, or colleagues can still be impacted by our forgetfulness, time blindness, and disorganization. Again, this does not mean that
something is fundamentally wrong with us, rather that both things can be true: we can be doing the best
we can, but the strain our ADHD puts on the people in our lives is still valid. This disconnect often leads
to a misunderstanding gap, where others interpret our overwhelm, inconsistent best efforts, and care as the opposite, and feel that we do not prioritize them, are unreliable, or stressful to be around.
This divide can be even greater in our relationships with non-ADHDers. Oftentimes, it can feel as though
we are speaking entirely different languages, with the non-ADHDer wanting more focus, help, and time
from us, resulting in us feeling criticized or pressured in return. This can lead to what we call a
‘pursuer-withdrawer cycle’. One person starts pushing for more clarity, communication, and change,
while the other starts to pull back, shut down, or avoid in response. Those with ADHD may feel pressured
to fit the neurotypical mold and struggle with feeling misunderstood due to their ADHD. We try to avoid
this by masking as neurotypical, people-pleasing, over-explaining how we’re feeling or struggling, or
withdrawing from things altogether when we’re overwhelmed. These are protective responses, meaning
that they are our system’s way of managing the discomfort of feeling misunderstood or criticized.
Unfortunately, this pursuer-withdrawer cycle ultimately ends up prolonging the misunderstanding and
division, as we are avoiding the strain and tension rather than working on it with the other person. So
what is a more helpful approach that we should aim for instead?
Self-Advocacy, Accommodations, and Communication
Self-advocacy begins with understanding and communicating your needs. Recognizing and accepting that our brains are wired differently ultimately leads us to the conclusion that we have unique ways of doing things and getting stuff done. Start by thinking about an area of your life (in this case, we’ll stay on theme and use relationships) and name a need you have, the ADHD pattern that makes it difficult, and one first step you can take. The point here is to reframe the narrative from ‘what’s wrong with me’ to ‘what do I actually need here?’. Let’s say, for example, that you need help remembering to spend quality time with your parents, and the ADHD pattern of time blindness makes it difficult because you lose track of time when you’re working or partaking in a hobby. A first step that we may take is to use a visual timer to help keep track of time and help us remember to switch from what we are doing to spending time with our parents (to help with task switching difficulties, we might set two timers, one to alert us that a transition is coming, and a following one when we are actually meant to transition).
Identifying needs and working to address them in an ADHD-friendly manner can also be done
collaboratively within the relationship through accommodations. The process here is the same, where we
identify an area where a relationship need is consistently not being met and name the ADHD pattern that
is getting in the way. The next step, though, will be an accommodation made with the other person to
bridge the gap from either direction. For example, if we need help remembering to complete certain
chores or household duties due to ADHD-related working memory deficits, we might work with our
partner to use an app or website that creates collaborative to-do lists (or even a simple whiteboard on the
fridge with reminders). This way, our partner can add what needs to be done, and we have something
concrete that we can check if we forget what is required of us.
It’s important to remember that while we cannot control our ADHD and neurobiology, we are still
responsible for managing how it shows up in our relationships or impacts the people in our lives. This
does not mean being self-critical or judgmental of ourselves, by any means! Rather, we can practice
self-compassion, understand what we need to function best, and self-advocate by communicating this
clearly to those in our lives. Through this process, we can all better understand one another and learn how to speak each other’s languages.
About Alyssa Nohar
Alyssa is currently completing her master’s of Counselling Psychology with Yorkville University, on practicum with Impart Therapy. She works with teens and adults who are struggling to navigate the ups and downs of daily life. Please visit here to learn more about Alyssa Nohar. To learn more about our ADHD Group Program, please visit: ADHD Group Programs | Skill-Building Support and Psychoeducation