“How did you not figure this out? Anybody else would have.”
That’s what my inner critic says, almost word for word, whenever I get something wrong that should have been easy. It’s quick, it’s harsh, and for a long time I didn’t question it.
This week was the third session of Impart Therapy’s Transition Toolkit series. In Week 1, Naming the Anxiety, we looked at how anxiety lives in our thoughts, bodies and behaviours. In Week 2, The Mind Tells Stories, Not Facts, we learned to catch the thinking traps that turn worries into “truths.” Week 3 was about the voice we use on ourselves, and what we could choose to say instead — in other words, self-compassion.
When Anxiety Turns on You
During a transition, anxiety doesn’t only worry about what’s happening around you. It turns inward: “Why can’t I handle this?” “Everyone else has it together.” “I should know what I’m doing by now.”
The inner critic has a few favourite moves. It compares you to everyone else, and zooms in on mistakes instead of what’s going well. It insists you should always be doing more. And it talks to you in a way you’d never talk to someone you love.
Self-criticism is one of the hardest things for me, because judging myself comes so easily. Looking at that voice in the session, I realized “anybody else would have” is a should statement in disguise, the same thinking trap from last week, dressed up as accountability.
What Happens After a Mistake: Self-Compassion
What comes next depends on how we answer that voice. We can keep piling on, or we can try something harder: self-compassion. It means meeting a hard moment with understanding instead of punishment. “I messed everything up” becomes “I made a mistake, and I can learn from it.” “Everyone else is ahead” becomes “Everyone’s timeline looks different.”
It rests on three things: self-kindness, common humanity (remembering you’re not the only one) and mindfulness, which means noticing what’s happening without judging or exaggerating it.
Then, during the group discussion, an idea came together that has stayed with me all week: self-criticism is a period, and self-compassion is a comma.
A period ends the sentence. “I failed.” Full stop. Said often enough, that sentence stops describing a moment and starts describing a person. It’s exactly what we talked about in Week 2: a thought that hardens into a fact. And once it’s a fact, it shapes how we show up. We play smaller, we stop raising our hand, and we avoid the next try because we think we already know how the story ends.
A comma keeps the sentence open. “I failed, and I’m figuring out what to do next.” The mistake is still there, and it’s still real, but it becomes one part of the sentence instead of the whole thing. That punctuation changes how much room we give ourselves to keep going.
What Matters When No One’s Watching
A goal has a finish line: graduate, get a job, buy a car. A value is how you want to live, and it doesn’t end. Most goals have one underneath. Buying a car, for example, might really be about independence.
So we were asked: if you weren’t worried about what other people expected, what would matter most? There’s no right answer. Your values won’t look like mine, and that’s part of what makes each of us who we are.
For me, it’s independence, respect and connection. Independence runs deepest. I’m an only child, I’ve been earning my own money since I was 18, and I moved to Canada to build a life on my own terms. That’s why this break has been so hard. Stepping away from a paycheque rubs right up against it.
Living these values looks pretty ordinary day to day. Before I set foot in a classroom in January, I’m volunteering with three clinics and training to become a certified listener. There’s no paycheque in sight, but taking action every day makes me feel like I’m building toward what’s next. I’m also looking after myself with a few lifestyle changes, and making time for the people who energize me instead of drain me. My goals have shifted a lot this year. My values haven’t.
Courage Doesn’t Wait for Calm
My favourite part of the session tied straight back to the avoidance loop from Week 1. Anxiety loves comfort. It says “stay where it’s safe,” “wait until you’re sure” and “what if you fail?” Values don’t need certainty. They say, “This matters to me, so I’ll try, even if I don’t know how it turns out.”
I want to be realistic here. Courage doesn’t mean the anxiety disappears. It means feeling it and moving toward what matters anyway. Some days the self-doubt will still creep in, and I’ll want to procrastinate. What I can do is keep practicing small, intentional ways to choose my values over the comfortable option.
The Toolkit You Already Carry
Resilience is the ability to adapt, recover and keep moving, struggle included. We can’t control what others think or how things turn out. We can control what we say to ourselves and what we choose to value.
Resilience also grows through asking for help, which is the piece I’ve learned the most about this year. I’m a very private person. I love being there for others, being the one who listens and encourages, but I’ve always wanted to handle my own things on my own. This year showed me that when I give myself the time I need and speak up honestly with the people around me, they find a way to show up. My husband, my family, my best friends from school and the close-knit group I’ve found here in Canada have done exactly that, and I’m so grateful for them.
That’s the idea behind the resilience toolkit. These aren’t new tools. They’re things you likely already have:
- People: who you turn to
- Practices: what helps you settle, like walks, breathing or music
- Strengths: what’s carried you through before
- Values: what keeps you moving forward
- Perspective: what past challenges have taught you
The strength I keep reaching for is my willingness to be a beginner again. After a decade of knowing exactly what I was doing, I’ve given myself permission to be new, to not have it all figured out, and to take a second run at building something.
Something to Sit With Before Next Week
The next time you catch yourself being hard on yourself, pause and sit with these:
- What did my inner critic say, and where did it put the period?
- If a friend said this about themselves, what would I tell them? Can I say that to myself, and add the comma?
- Setting aside what anyone else expects, what matters most to me right now, and what’s one small step toward it I could take this week, even with the anxiety still there?
- And at the end of the week, ask yourself one more: what strength did I lean on, even if I didn’t notice it at the time?
Next week is the final session, focused on moving forward with confidence. Until then, I’m trying to practice the comma.
If you’re navigating a transition of your own, you can book a free meet-and-greet or a session with Deeya Sumra at Impart Therapy.
About Karishma Singh
Karishma Singh is pursuing a career in psychotherapy and plans to begin a Master of Arts in Counselling Psychology at Yorkville University. She spent more than a decade in public relations and communications, and while her work centred on brands, it was the people and relationships behind them that stayed with her. Over time, she realized she wanted people to be the focus of her work, not a part of it. She currently volunteers with Impart Therapy, where she writes honestly about the uncertainty and anxiety of starting over, hoping it helps others feel less alone in their own life transitions.